Despite the still very taboo subject of pot( marijuana, Mary j, any other names), I found it quite useful for this blog as 2019 I have to say was definitely a year of challenge for me as woman nad an individual. I was a mother to be who like so many experienced a miscarriage, which isn’t often the easiest traumas to sink in especially in a young new mother. Along with all the hormones and drastic changes to my body, my emotional state was shattered with the sadness of losing a brother like figure, Daniel. He was not just a friend, but a shoulder to cry on, a ray of light in the darkness. Although I had my partner, we were all close friends and his death brought a pain that i never realized I could feel so deeply. You my brother are always in my heart. It was a tough year that I never thought I would make it out. Now, I kept my miscarriage to myself and my partner at the time. After a few weeks, I decided to open up to two women I looked up to and admired without giving details as it was still a fresh wound. But apparently I had already been talked about in regards to the fact that I never knew I was pregnant and I had been drinking one night to which one of my trusted friends said to a complete stranger “Omg she drinks so much, I hope she’s not pregnant.” Well to my luck, I found out I was and put my bad habits to bed. So, here comes the name! Now, I decided on this name for my blog from a direct insult that was sent to a friend of mine about me in a message by the same older woman who I thought was my friend. I was sick of the endless drama and the jealousy and games and decided for my own mental health to block her and her friend to which she responded by harassing and cyber bullying another friend of mine. Still with me? Good! Sometimes in life you’ll have to deal with people who are all about themselves, selfish, jealous and never caring towards others, it’s always about what they can get out of something. Now after making a formal report to the police due to the severity and defamation of myself in these messages I decided to make my own personal blog. In some of the messages I was blatantly called “A fat Mexican wanna be,” which definitely hurt because I can never apologize for my heritage. To make matters worse, I was sent other messages from their personal friends telling me that they would “send me back to mexico and build a wall” and that I shouldn’t be mad at this friend (the horrible one) because she “told you not to smoke and drink whilst pregnant “ The funny thing is they knew I was from Belize, an entirely different country, but to foreigners every central american country is mexico, I mean guess some people don’t always get geography in their country’s syllabus. Now as mentioned above, I went through this ordeal on my own in private and had no word to no one. This woman knew that I was young and took it to her advantage to paint me as a “Pot smoking slut” in some of her messages. This woman bless her soul, had assumed that because I had a miscarriage it was due to the fact that in the past I had occasionally smoked pot and had a drink or two and made sure that she told everyone she could about me. But, mind you, this is no tribute to her. I hope one day she truly humbles herself because karma doesn’t care if your Mexican, black or white. The minute you do something to deliberately sabotage someones reputation , you automatically give yourself the worst karma. She will always regret that a young woman entrusted her with a truly hurtful situation to be completely defamed because I refused her drama, jealousy and selfishness and took a step back. Keep in mind I only knew this woman for a short time and in my mind I thought, shes an older woman and must be mature. Not the case. These hurtful (At the time) words formed a beacon of hope for myself in the end (shocking I know). I went through my pregnancy privately along with the severer morning sickness and all other complications that I developed at 4 weeks into my pregnancy. The morning sickness like most women (some women heaven bless them-never experienced morning sickness) kept me from eating not just food I liked but any food in general. It was definitely not for the faint of heart. Here’s a little fun fact: at least 250 babies are born per minute. These women are beacons of hope for myself, they make me feel like I can push through anything when my time comes again. Now despite it being a rocky year, it was also a blessing having such an amazing partner next to me with genuine worry for my safety of not only myself but his unborn child. The threat in the end became more astonishing which in the end resulted in me not being able to become the mother to which I was honestly scared shitless in becoming. I received warmth and comfort from beautiful words but one thing stood out the most when I tried to break the stigma on miscarriages in general. There are a lot of women who have never had children who think that they understand what a miscarriage is asking me questions and responding well “oh that’s not too far a long, at least you didn’t have a miscarriage all the way at the end of the pregnancy.” Let me just say that a baby that is stillborn is the hardest thing I’ve witnessed a mother go through because of how far she has come as a woman. I’ll just say though that despite the different circumstances, it still brings the same pain and sadness of a miscarriage. You have so many hormones rushing through your body, some women like myself had very early development and I even had a stage of breast milk. This feeling is not easy, regardless. The amount of support and love I have received despite being called names by sad people, didn’t get me to where I am, the people who uplifted me did. I don’t feel in any way that I am an expert because I’m a newbie. But this blog will be here to empower anyone who feels like they are in a dark place because lets face it, I am in a dark place but everyday gets a little easier knowing that I have support and people who care. This blog is jsut another woman, daughter, cousin, sister, breaking not only the stigma on miscarriages but an empowering movement to own your life and stand by your decisions. It was my decision to throw the garbage away (the bad egg, the racist friend) and I knew it wasn’t good for me and she proved me right by calling me a pot smoking slut.

“ There will always be a part of me that is sloppy and dirty, but I like that, just like all the other parts of myself. I can forgive. Can you say the same for yourself, fucker? Can you forgive? Are you capable of that?,” Tiffany, Silver linings playbook, Jennifer Lawrence.

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

Why do this?

• Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
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The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.

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• Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
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You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.

Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.

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